2- THE DISCLOSURE + The Letter
This is the most disturbing post I have ever shared in my life, ever. But it has to be shared.
This is a sad and a very disturbing story about an Albanian mountain guide, Saimir Kalbaj. And me, a clueless tourist who hires him and gets assaulted by him during her trip.
Considering so far I have travelled 20+ countries safely, happily. Except for Albania.
After the incident, it took me months to realize I had been in denial and it had to come to an end. I cannot say I was very happy when my soul was living in the denial balloon but it was protecting me from facing the truth and feeling a much worse pain. It kept me alive deceiving myself until I saw an event inviting people for the same trip with the same guide. The thought of other innocent women travelling with him, getting drugged by him and getting assaulted by him kept me up at night and when I finally fell asleep, nightmares and night terrors started. I had no other choise but to act.
The first time I wrote about this it was for my own mental health to begin with, I wrote a letter directed to the perpetrator, not to send him; it was supposed to be just a healing step for me. But it didn't feel enough and I sent it to him. I wasn’t expecting an apology, I well knew he was aware of his crime he planned and performed, he was content and proud, and maybe my letter made him laugh a little, who knows? I knew it was too much to expect from an emotionally underdeveloped man. An innocent person would be shocked when he gets a letter accusing him of sexual abuse if it was a lie or somehow a misunderstanding, he would try to understand and apologize. He would not keep sending messages, hearts, emojis after he sexually abuses his unconscious female customers. Or manipulate them into keeping the incident as a secret (which worked for months) or manipulate them into believing it was a mutual act of two people, willingly consented.
I wanted to write about what happened directly and keep the letter only to myself but this is no longer possible; I had already shared it with the assaulter himself and writing this over and over is making my heart sick. To be honest I no longer want this memory to live in my mind. So now I’m making this story known so people can decide for themselves – whether they want to keep this man close as a friend, a co-worker or hire him as a guide. A drugging, kidnapping, raping guide.
So I've decided to share the letter. With everyone. With all the disturbing, disgusting details.
One last word to the man who ruined not only my trip but my life : After your attack I had only two options to survive; I was gonna kill you or I was gonna disclose it.
So... I have chosen the harder path. You are going to live your ignominious life.
The letter is on the next page. In the coming pages, you will find about other victims of him.
Many answers to your questions are in it.
I would appreciate it if you could share this. With friends, women, hiking groups... Thank you.
Stay safe.
---THE LETTER---
(THE LETTER SENT TO THE PERPETRATOR IN SEPTEMBER, 2025)
Hi, Saimir
I've written something, it's a longish letter. I had to write it down for myself but you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
What I'm writing is not a letter for you. It's for me. It's not a letter of forgiveness or acceptance. It is just what it is.
This morning I got up before dawn as I did for 3 months with the same image in front of my eyes, just like what I have been seeing every morning for 3 months now.
3 monts ago I went on an exciting, beautiful trip and I met you there. Did you notice I never shared one single photo of it since I returned? Did you know I couldn't even look at any of my photos even once? Every night fell asleep with pills? Took pain meds all the time coz even my skin ached? Even took heart medicine as it decided to explode out of anxiety many times since? Woke up before sunrise almost every morning to fell into the same hell all over again?
No you didn't. But you do now.
I had a dream. Or I thought I had a dream.. Where I had too much to drink (which is a stupid mistake but not a crime) and after a night of no memories, I woke up on your bed naked, you were on me, doing what you did. - I remember this part in blurry pictures- unable to think or speak to tell you to stop. I remember I had no idea where I was or even who you were for a while. Then my memory fades again for god knows for how much time. Maybe I should be happy that I don't remember all of it. Then I was having a shower, I had a headache and wanted to lie down, feeling dizzy. (That time I didn't know I was drugged and was thinking it was because of alcohol.) I remember you said sth about some money you'll get from someone so we had to move fast. How I felt was no concern of yours.
I also remember you telling me "thank you for your present" which I didn't give but taken from me when I was unconscious - which is not called a present. You know what it's called.
We were walking towards the hotel, people were in the garden where I belonged to in the first place. While walking I realized you stopped communicating with me, not acting the way you were acting before.
That was the moment I realised it wasn't a dream. It was very real but still, I was unable to feel real. Still too dizzy.
When we arrived I said my cellphone was missing since last night, which was a huge problem as all my travel info was in it, there was no way I could arrive home without it. You showed no interest in helping me. I was still a tourist, a part of your group, a customer; but I guess you were done with me after taking what you wanted. You suddenly became a very rude stranger.
I was a joke to you that moment, right? Making fun of me looking for what I lost. I found it with the help of others who had no responsibility because you were supposed to be the "guide"
Then here comes the moment I finally understood what actually happened. I felt a burning pain in my stomach, didn't know what to think or say. I froze. That was my first trauma response, of course I didn't know I would be having a lot of trauma responses for months or maybe years after that.. I didn't know it would be a never-ending nightmare; constant physical and mental pain, fear, regret, disgust, self-hatred, loss of all my trust, loss of all my power, crying during showers or just anytime, detaching from my own body, breathing issues, wishing I was dead...
This is how my last 3 months have been.
This morning I woke up and immediately I knew I can't live like this any longer. This wasn't even living.
It's a disturbing thought but I believe you knew it from the begining. You knew what you did was so wrong and awful and would be conscequences. You knew I was leaving that morning so there was no way I could press charges or even tell anyone. You being rude to me afterwards, making fun of me, humiliating me, dehumanizing me - this was all you covering your sin. Anyway, this is no longer my problem to figure out.
You may try to justify your crime of course - If you ever happen to think this wasn't an assault, simply ask how it is different from pointing a gun to my head while doing what you did when I'm unable to speak for myself to stop it in both situations..
Eventually I got home, but did I, really? A piece of me stayed on that mountain with you. You destroyed that piece and left the rest in lots of, lots of pain. Now I demand what belonged to me in the first place, be fine again and never ever think of anything related to you. I didn't give anything to you willingly. It's stolen.
So this letter is for me. Me being true to myself, claiming my peace and happiness back and doing my best to help women who got hurt by men like you. This is too much pain to endure alone.
Considering how relaxed you were flirting with me unprofessionally for days, under 'guide' cover taking me private walks to make me trust you more, even once holding my hand when I took it back politely - which was enough for you to understand I don't want you to touch me- but you wouldn't care, would you? You saw I was too nice and polite for you, which made me an easy target to you? It all happened for your sake. Imagining what happened could be your plan from the beginning and I was just a brainless flesh doll to play, gives me the creeps even at the moment, here in my home's safe place.
You know, you could have left me somewhere away from your bed but no, you chose to make me a victim and I've died inside watching myself remaining a victim, unable to run away from these horrible ptsd symptoms, not knowing how to be ok, not knowing what to do and feeling scared and angry all the time.
Do not assume this letter was written in one day. I wrote and deleted and rewrote and redeleted and then rewrote this in my head a billion times. Everytime you sent a like or heart to me, I wrote another letter in my head like a crazy person. Every message you sent me triggered my flashbacks. You referring to my naked body and writing "miss this" like I'm your brainless and soulless property to use however you like, I couldn't sleep that night out of anger, anxiety, tremors and horrible flashbacks of the assault.
All this happened for your very short and selfish pleasure.
Today I read a letter written by a sexual assault surviver 10 years after the incident but she never sent it to him. Instead, she shared it with everyone. She says her healing took 10 years of her life. This is exactly how you murder a person without physically murdering them. 10 damn years...
I know in time I'll be better and be sharing too. I'll stop feeling humiliated, afraid and ashamed for your doing. One day if you search yourself online, maybe you can read it. I won't send it to you. I will be sharing it with good people out there so they will remember your name. It's not a vengeful act it's sharing information so I hope I'll be your last victim.
I'm afraid I'm not the first one. You were too relaxed and too professional like you practiced this many times.
But after all of this, would a scene of you taking responsibility, admitting your sin, apologising in front of me ease my pain a little bit? Maybe yes. Would I forgive you? Probably yes, in time.
But you didn't do it, did you now?
Last, I'd love to look you in the eye and ask "what harm did I do to you to deserve this punishment?" "
But I won't ask anything - There is no point.
You are the worst person I've ever met. I hope you heal from evil someday.
Farewell.
NOTE to THE READER:
The time I wrote this letter I was still believing I was guilty for drinking. Leaving my drink on the table when I left. Guilty for trusting my group of hikers, guilty for joining this trip with a club I don't know about, guilty for literally everything. You know, us women we like to blame ourselves for anything and everything.
Well time passed and I accepted noone passes out for hours and gets sick for days over a couple of drinks especially when some man is kidnapping her at night on the mountains... He never denied.
What happened, happened though. This made me feel worse. So bad that this was the limit. That was the moment I decided to share this now. With everyone.
Yorumlar
Yorum Gönder