3- THE LETTER

THE LETTER SENT TO THE PERPETRATOR, SEPTEMBER 2025

Hi, Saimir  

I've written something, it's a longish letter. I had to write it down for myself but you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

What I'm writing is not a letter for you. It's for me. It's not a letter of forgiveness or acceptance. It is just what it is. 

This morning I got up before dawn as I did for 3 months with the same image in front of my eyes, just like what I have been seeing every morning for 3 months now.   

3 monts ago I went on an exciting, beautiful trip and I met you there. Did you notice I never shared one single photo of it since I returned? Did you know I couldn't even look at any of my photos even once? Every night fell asleep with pills? Took pain meds all the time coz even my skin ached? Even took heart medicine as it decided to explode out of anxiety many times since? Woke up before sunrise almost every morning to fell into the same hell all over again?

No you didn't. But you do now.

I had a dream. Or I thought I had a dream.. Where I had too much to drink (which is a stupid mistake but not a crime) and after a night of no memories, I woke up on your bed naked, you were on me, doing what you did. - I remember this part in blurry pictures- unable to think or speak to tell you to stop. I remember I had no idea where I was or even who you were for a while. Then my memory fades again for god knows for how much time. Maybe I should be happy that I don't remember all of it. Then I was having a shower, I had a headache and wanted to lie down, feeling dizzy. (That time I didn't know I was drugged and was thinking it was because of alcohol.) I remember you said sth about some money you'll get from someone so we had to move fast. How I felt was no concern of yours.

I also remember you telling me "thank you for your present" which I didn't give but taken from me when I was unconscious - which is not called a present. You know what it's called. 

We were walking towards the hotel, people were in the garden where I belonged to in the first place. While walking I realized you stopped communicating with me, not acting the way you were acting before.

That was the moment I realised it wasn't a dream. It was very real but still, I was unable to feel real. Still too dizzy. 

When we arrived I said my cellphone was missing since last night, which was a huge problem as all my travel info was in it, there was no way I could arrive home without it. You showed no interest in helping me. I was still a tourist, a part of your group, a customer; but I guess you were done with me after taking what you wanted. You suddenly became a very rude stranger.

I was a joke to you that moment, right? Making fun of me looking for what I lost. I found it with the help of others who had no responsibility because you were supposed to be the "guide"

Then here comes the moment I finally understood what actually happened. I felt a burning pain in my stomach, didn't know what to think or say. I froze. That was my first trauma response, of course I didn't know I would be having a lot of trauma responses for months or maybe years after that.. I didn't know it would be a never-ending nightmare; constant physical and mental pain, fear, regret, disgust, self-hatred, loss of all my trust, loss of all my power, crying during showers or just anytime, detaching from my own body, breathing issues, wishing I was dead...

This is how my last 3 months have been.

This morning I woke up and immediately I knew I can't live like this any longer. This wasn't even living.

It's a disturbing thought but I believe you knew it from the begining. You knew what you did was so wrong and awful and would be conscequences. You knew I was leaving that morning so  there was no way I could press charges or even tell anyone. You being rude to me afterwards, making fun of me, humiliating me, dehumanizing me - this was all you covering your sin. Anyway, this is no longer my problem to figure out.

You may try to justify your crime of course - If you ever happen to think this wasn't an assault, simply ask how it is different from pointing a gun to my head while doing what you did when I'm unable to speak for myself to stop it in both situations..

Eventually I got home, but did I, really? A piece of me stayed on that mountain with you. You destroyed that piece and left the rest in lots of, lots of pain. Now I demand what belonged to me in the first place, be fine again and never ever think of anything related to you. I didn't give anything to you willingly. It's stolen.

So this letter is for me. Me being true to myself, claiming my peace and happiness back and doing my best to help women who got hurt by men like you. This is too much pain to endure alone.

Considering how relaxed you were flirting with me unprofessionally for days, under 'guide' cover taking me private walks to make me trust you more, even once holding my hand when I took it back politely - which was enough for you to understand I don't want you to touch me- but you wouldn't care, would you? You saw I was too nice and polite for you, which made me an easy target to you? It all happened for your sake. Imagining what happened could be your plan from the beginning and I was just a brainless flesh doll to play, gives me the creeps even at the moment, here in my home's safe place. 

You know, you could have left me somewhere away from your bed but no, you chose to make me a victim and I've died inside watching myself remaining a victim, unable to run away from these horrible ptsd symptoms, not knowing how to be ok, not knowing what to do and feeling scared and angry all the time. 

Do not assume this letter was written in one day. I wrote and deleted and rewrote and redeleted and then rewrote this in my head a billion times. Everytime you sent a like or heart to me, I wrote another letter in my head like a crazy person. Every message you sent me triggered my flashbacks. You referring to my naked body and writing "miss this" like I'm your brainless and soulless property to use however you like, I couldn't sleep that night out of anger, anxiety, tremors and horrible flashbacks of the assault.

All this happened for your very short and selfish pleasure.

Today I read a letter written by a sexual assault surviver 10 years after the incident but she never sent it to him. Instead, she shared it with everyone. She says her healing took 10 years of her life. This is exactly how you murder a person without physically murdering them. 10 damn years...

I know in time I'll be better and be sharing too. I'll stop feeling humiliated, afraid and ashamed for your doing. One day if you search yourself online, maybe you can read it. I won't send it to you. I will be sharing it with good people out there so they will remember your name. It's not a vengeful act it's sharing information so I hope I'll be your last victim.

I'm afraid I'm not the first one. You were too relaxed and too professional like you practiced this many times. 

But after all of this, would a scene of you taking responsibility, admitting your sin, apologising in front of me ease my pain a little bit? Maybe yes. Would I forgive you? Probably yes, in time.

But you didn't do it, did you now?

Last, I'd love to look you in the eye and ask "what harm did I do to you to deserve this punishment?" "

But I won't ask anything - There is no point.

You are the worst person I've ever met. I hope you heal from evil someday. 

Farewell.

 

24.09.2025

NOTE to THE READER

The time I wrote this letter I was still believing I was guilty for drinking. Leaving my drink on the table when I left. Guilty for trusting my group of hikers, guilty for joining this trip with a club I don't know about, guilty for literally everything. You know, us women we like to blame ourselves for anything and everything.

Well time passed and I accepted noone passes out for hours and gets sick for days over a couple of drinks especially when some man is kidnapping her at night in the mountains... He didn't deny it.

 What happened, happened though. This made me feel worse. So bad that this was the limit. That was the moment I decided to share this now. With everyone.